Author Archives: wendywelch

The Boundary Fence Kit

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I am at my parents, and in their garage, I came across a “Boundary Kit.”

Wait, what? Do they make these for those of us who can’t maintain our own??

After further investigation, it turned out to be for dogs, but it was too late, my imagination was off and running on how to modify this for best day job use.

First off, change those white boundary flags to make a yellow flag zone. In this zone you can still ask a question or suggest an idea but cannot reach the director’s desk to demand any paperwork. But you can reach across to hand over coffee or chocolate.

The repellant detectors: the fence should pick up on pointy collars, and anything made with linen. Male or female, anyone wearing a high-quality thread count outfit will automatically be shocked back at one hundred paces. The flags at this border will say “send an email.” This would eliminate about 30% of the day’s useless conversations and 90% of meetings, IMHO.

The fence would, of course, automatically shock back anyone wearing a red tie. It would also repel anyone wearing patterned ties involving dollar signs. We’ll have to check the design parameters to see if it could also do monogrammed shirt cuffs and ties, without distinguishing them from t-shirts with lettering. People wearing t-shirts with lettering should be let through; they contribute fun perspectives to ideas exchanges.

Of course, it goes without saying that anyone carrying more than three sheets of paper would be repelled by weight. In fact, we could add a trap door function for those carrying a file folder weighing more than six ounces. They’ll never bother you again. (Could we teach the fence to recognize the word “INVOICE?”)

By voice activation, the fence would incinerate anyone inside its range who used any of the following words or phrases: robust, paradigm shift, low-hanging fruit, run the numbers, or go viral.

Finally, the fence in “professional” setting would go into overdrive on Friday at 3 pm, and simply repel everyone.

Patent pending. Please form an orderly queue.

P.S. For a little extra, you can have the “writer’s version” which not only repels everyone, 24-7, but also shuts off your internet access in random three-hour stretches. It’s amazing what you can get done in those time periods. The writer’s version would also need the capability to instantly fry anyone who says, “Are you still working on that.” But it needs to only mildly shock spouses who “just pop in with a quick question” about supper or thermostat settings. I’m sure we can figure this out.

A roofing we will go!

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Jack just gets under the wire in time this week – –

Roofing work is both necessary and difficult to get done. Our house is old and has steep roofs at strange angles. We couldn’t find anyone locally who seemed willing to accept the challenge. These days, a roofer seems almost as rare as a good deal on beef.
But ‘word of mouth’ is a great thing and through friends of Wendy’s we were put in touch with Mikey!

Mikey had fitted a woodstove for one of Wendy’s day job board members. He lives in Norton, which is a two hour drive from here, but was willing to make the journey once he saw the property where we wanted our own wood stove fitted. It is near a well-stocked fishing stream. Mikey and his work associate James showed up with all the tools and a bunch of fishing poles.

So far so good.

They did an excellent job and we mentioned our roof, more in hopes that he knew someone than anything else, but “that’s what I do” he said. “I fit stoves as an extra job. My main trade is roofing.”

What could we say? As with so many things in life, we lucked into a wonderful moment through relationships.

So last week he and his team—consisting of James, Mikey’s sister Christie, and her son whose name we never did catch but who closely resembled Johnny Depp—camped out every night at our property (and presumably fished) and came in every morning and worked on our roofs here all day (and sometimes till the light was waning).

They all worked hard and never wasted a minute. We began to think of them as the Starship Enterprise – Mikey was Cap’n Kirk, issuing the orders; Christie was Uhuru, running from front yard to back to shout things at the roofers who couldn’t see or hear each other, and picking up tools that suddenly came flying over the guttering; and James was Scotty—when it was going wrong, he had duct tape. Or glue, or something.

There was a funny night when they thought they would finish – at least Cap’n Kirk did—and the nephew “Johnny” (who might have been a Klingon) threatened to quit if the captain issued one more frustrated order. If you’re not the person on the roof screaming at the crew to keep it together and get home tonight, it’s adorable to hear. If you are the person being screamed at, probably not so much…

Family is family. The next morning they were all still talking to each other, and right cheerful. And by that extra day’s evening, the roof was good and tight. We know because the day after they all went home, it started raining. And didn’t stop for two days.

Wendy, being Wendy, wanted a slight home improvement during the roofing: the opportunity to position a rain barrel to provide water to our washing machine. I know Mikey is a good man because, at 9 pm as dusk was not so much falling as giving way to pitch black, he fitted her rain barrel for her, and gave a courtly bow before driving off into the sunset—well, starlight—in his pick-up.

Our new roof is warm and cozy. Our new friends come highly recommended. And Wendy is already making plans for the washing machine…. Sigh…..