humor | Wendy Welch: Books, Yarn, Cats, Opioids

Jack sprints home and arrives on Wednesday – –

Most mornings Wendy wakes up long before me and heads downstairs to start her day – very often around six o’clock. She usually leaves me to slumber on for another hour or so. But if she comes back and shakes me awake then that means there is some kind of emergency. Maybe a large pile of cat poop somewhere or the chickens have escaped from the yard; that kind of thing – –

A few days ago we had one of those mornings. I stumbled downstairs to find that a corner of the kitchen in front of the sink had transformed into a paddling pool!

Kneeling in the water, and after frantically closing off all the valves I could see, we could still hear water spraying somewhere. Finally Wendy discovered the main valves to the kitchen hiding in our bathroom closet and the sound stopped. Every towel in the house was utilized to soak up the water.

Having made sure we’d stopped the leak and still had water available in the bathroom for coffee and to flush the toilet we could attend our weekly Zoom meeting with close friends. It’s quite hard to have a relaxed conversation while wondering if there’s a swimming pool under your kitchen floor!

I checked under the sinks and couldn’t see any sign of a water leak there so began to realize that it must be the dishwasher which is right next to them. I pulled it out, made sure that the appropriate valve was closed and got Wendy to turn the main one back on, while listening carefully with my one good ear. No sound, so I very carefully opened the valve for the dishwasher and peered under – eureka!

The metal braided hose had a hole and was spraying water happily – – –

So we washed dishes in the sink while we waited for Amazon to send us a replacement hose and it arrived today. Since I’m getting a bit stiff these days and finding it more difficult to get into convoluted positions it was a ‘fair fechty battle’ to fit the new hose. But when I looked at the old one it was pretty obvious it had been chewed by a mouse and when I pointed my flashlight into the void I could see where it had come in. I cut up a tin can and closed off the mouse entry and will spray peppermint oil liberally while keeping my fingers crossed!

I can still see that mouse singing in the spray – – –

Jack just scrapes over the line with his Wednesday guest post – –

Like most people I have recurring dreams and in one of mine I still have all the cars I owned in my youth but can’t remember where I parked them around my home town of Dunfermline. As long as I can find one I can get to work but where are the others?

So that’s a good excuse to describe these cars in the order that I owned them –

The first was a 1938 Austin ‘Big 12’ which I bought from a workmate in a share with a couple of friends in the late 1950s. It lasted until the tubes started poking through the tires and the muffler fell apart. I was playing banjo in a New Orleans style jazz band so it had a musical send off on its last trip!

The second was an Austin Mini that had seen better days – full of rust and didn’t last long.

The third was when I hitch hiked to Bedford in England and then shared with friends – a 1935 Austin 7. It had cable brakes that never worked but it brought us back to Scotland eventually with smoke coming out around the gearstick every time we climbed a hill!

Fourth was another mini and this time the van version and in better condition so it lasted longer.

Then I got a Morris Minor – the British equivalent of the Volkswagen, that predated the Mini. My main memory is having the cylinder head out and on the kitchen table while I re-ground the valves!

After that a Triumph Spitfire that had the infamous transverse rear spring which produced my first ‘near death experience’. Wet leaves on the road which resulted in cartwheeling down the road from front to side to rear etc. I still have a scar on my forehead from the rear view mirror!

Following that came the most famous one – my 1962 MGB Roadster which was sold to a friend and eventually back to me again to grace the roads of America.