The Spider on the Dashboard

I was driving home from a loooooong three-day conference. A colleague had gone with me, and I stayed the night with them before doing some additional meetings the following day, then getting into my now-hated car for one more long drive. Destination: home.

Which made the road feel shorter. Two and a half hours didn’t sound so bad. And I had covered about 45 minutes of it when the spider appeared.

Near my left eye, on the edge of the window.

I was driving on a divided highway. I did not swerve. Apparently spiders have good hearing because after I screamed the fuzzy black thing – about the size of a nickel – disappeared into the window frame.

That suited me just fine. It was one of those figure 8 curvy legged pointy butt spiders. The kind you can’t always tell about in terms of them being a harmless but big-on-jumping house spider, or that nasty biting toxic mouse spider.

Either way, I wasn’t happy.

I can’t say the spider looked very happy either, as it slowly emerged from the black rubber crack of the window frame and—I am not making this up—regarded me from about six inches away. I could tell what it was thinking: will I jump and maybe kill us both, or will I leave her alone until she parks, and then jump?

It was me or the spider. I pulled slowly over and powered down my window. The spider may have looked mildly surprised as it suddenly found itself on the lower end of the rubber crack. It disappeared again. But by then so had I—to the other side of the car, scrambling over the gear shift.

That’s when I discovered the second spider.

Do they travel in pairs, those little fuzzy ones? I don’t know. What I do know, now, is how quickly I can exit a parked car straight through an open window. With only light bruising.

Brushing myself off, I decided to go for a little walk to give the pair time to vacate the car. When I returned, there was no sign of either. This I considered a good thing, because, you know, they didn’t want to set up housekeeping in the car any more than I wanted them to, you know, establish a spider homestead in there. Don’t they have, like, a thousand babies at a time or something?

I put the windows up and down a few times. No sign of either. I re-entered traffic and drove home without incident.

The next day, halfway to Knoxville, one of them crawled out of the window frame and gave a cheery wave—or maybe it was the finger—before crossing the windshield in my line of sight.

For sale: slightly used Prius, low mileage, one previous owner, comes with all contents.

There are Greater Things to Fear Than Spiders in Your Hair

Jack and I have a young friend, Blair, who went on Jack’s trip to Scotland this time a year ago with her family. Blair made history by being the only participant to ever take up the tour’s opportunity to shear a sheep.

Jack only takes ten people on the tour, and while they visit internationally known sites, they also get Jack’s home turf advantage and visit a few secret pubs, living room singing sessions, and a working farm, where opportunities abound to do non-touristy things. Like what Blair did with the sheep.

blair sheep II(FYI, while the ewes don’t like the clipper noise, it doesn’t hurt AND it keeps them from getting nasty diseases like heatstroke and fly strike. So don’t believe the ewe’s drama queen pose; she’s neither suffering nor dying.)

Blair doesn’t fear dirt or hard jobs, as you can see, but until recently she and I shared a healthy respect for spiders. About 8 a.m., she posted the following as her Facebook status:

While walking under the eaves of my garage this morning, a slimy slug decided it was a good idea to plop down on top of my head. Thinking it was a giant spider trying to eat me, I quickly start swatting my hair back and forth frantically, further wrapping the slug in a nice cocoon of hair.

After my boyfriend Seth helped me pull the little booger out, we set him free, leaving me to deal with the sticky booger trail he left behind in my freshly straightened hair. And a little fun fact: It’s very hard to get snail juice out of one’s hair. I’m rocking the, “There’s Something About Mary” hairstyle today, swapping the semen with slug slime.

Moral of the story: there are far greater things to fear getting caught in your hair than spiders.

Until Blair posted this, I really wouldn’t have believed that was a true statement. But, okay, I see clearly now.  Thanks, Blair! And I fully expect, given  your prowess with electric shears, that you are sporting a buzz cut now.

Slug juice? Not to worry. This girl knows how to get the root of a problem.

blair and sheep