I have not measured out my life with coffee spoons: I used yarn

This past weekend I was at my parents’ house helping them divest of clutter. This is a difficult task because my dad is a hoarder. Literally, I was putting things into a wastebasket and he picked it up behind me and pulled them out.

I think he saved a magazine subscription offer. And face, because that way he’s in charge of what gets thrown away. It’s fine. It works.

Running errands Saturday afternoon, I ducked into a thrift store for a few minutes of therapy. Just as a woman who worked there wheeled one of those big metal racks past me. Two shelves were stacked with high end yarn.

Right time, right place, but this is where the story gets interesting. Everyone who knows me knows I have actually crocheted through weddings and Christmas services. (It’s a long story for another time. I will crochet on a train, plane, and any automobile I’m not driving. OK, once I might have… never mind. We don’t need to talk about that. The officer did not give me a ticket, he was so impressed.)

Anyway, the yarn was pima cotton, which is a special strong kind of stuff used to make lightweight summer gorgeous things. And some mercized cotton and some standard collections of acrylic, but lots of the same dye lot.

Finding multiple skeins in the same color, or organics brand new, is known in yarn thrifting circles as “a big score.”

Thing was, I don’t do that much cotton crochet, and I didn’t want to make high end summer lacy swimsuit covers. In neon jewel tones. I am enjoying making the crazy hats and a bunch of keychains right now (see previous blogs) to use up some supplies.

Use up is the operative word. I have an entire room in my house stuffed with yarn. (Our house has what’s jokingly called a secret room off the side of the staircase. It’s just a tiny bedroom created out of unused eaves space, and it’s got a fun triangular door. A friend dubbed it “Yarnia.”

I left the yarn there. Yarnia is so full of yarn that, if I crocheted 360 out of the 365 days of every year for the next twenty, I might, just might, get through all the yarn. (And that ratio of crochet days is entirely possible, so long as Netflix keeps that high quality content coming at a reasonable streaming price. But there’s always podcasts if not.)

When the Bible says teach us to number our days, I am not sure they meant with yards of yarn accomplishment, but honestly, there comes a time when a girl has to say, I have enough. At least, when it comes to yarn. Those words will not be uttered about wine, chocolate, or cats, let me reassure you.

I didn’t need the yarn. No, I didn’t WANT the yarn, which would challenge me to make something wonderful and give it away as a gift someday to the bewildered child of a friend who would look at the crocheted lacy lime green negligee and say, “Well, this is a weird wedding gift but thanks.”

No one else would have had one like it, kid, but all the same, be thankful. You’ll get potholders from the cheap yarn I bought on sale five or six years ago, because I still haven’t worked my way through the box. And, despite what Netflix movies may try to tell you about sex keeping the flame alive, trust me; the potholders will do more for your marriage.

Heart and Sole?

The journey to get a mammogram begins with a single step – until you look down and discover your shoes are coming apart.

I like to schedule these annoying-yet-essential procedures early. That’s not as in early detection, but early in the morning; off I went in my trusty Prius with its beloved heated steering wheel, on a cold and frosty morning.

As I walked to the hospital elevator, I realized my Dansko shoes were squeaking. I tend to pick up cute shoes, usually Allegria or Dansko brands; these bargains often exhibit some small detail that prompted the prior owner to donate them. Baby powder stops squeaky shoes, and I made a note to fix them later.

Except…. They were also kinda wobbly. Danskos have those notorious thick soles, so why should I feel unstable?

Checking in, the nurse complimented me on my shoes. “Those are adorable. What brand?”

“Thank you,” I said, lifting my foot to show her the logo as I added, “Dansko.” The shoe’s heel stayed on the floor.


She didn’t notice, having turned to add my vitals to some e-record the dark forces would use to market things to me later. I left a trail of little black bits all the way down the hall to the waiting room, where I again lifted my foot to see what the hell was going on down there.

Another piece of sole parted company with its host. I brushed the spongy stuff under the chair with what remained of my shoe and took sock—er, stock—of my situation.



For whatever reason, those thick Dansko soles had cracked as I walked on them, the cracking pieces falling away in chunks and crumbs. By this time, I had about half a sole left on each shoe, in random places, the entire thing resembling something the dog had gotten hold of, if the dog were to eschew chewing leather in favor of what looked like foam rubber coated with shellack. I am shoe-construction naïve. I just buy them when they’re cute.

As I pondered being soleless, the second nurse came to get me. I considered coming clean but instead staggered behind, leaving a trail of black crumbs, to the prep room. As she sat me down for the routine chat, I crossed my legs, then hastily uncrossed them as her eyes traveled to my shoes.

“Those are so cute! Where did you get them?” She pointed to my feet flat on the floor. The lighting was dim, the black rubble piling up beneath me invisible against the dark carpet.

“Thrift store. They’re Danskos.” I said, as we moved down the hall to the machine.

“That’s a great brand,” she said, and began sliding parts of me into the vice.

I used to think so, I thought as she rotated, squeezed, and photographed. At one point I was certain my breasts would join my shoes in rebelling against these working conditions and part company with my body, but I remained whole, reassembled my clothing post-procedure, and wobbled out the door.

Behind me the receptionist gave a cry of annoyance. “How did all that dirt get on the floor? Is it raining? Call housekeeping.”


When I got home and checked into social media, my side advertisements were all…of course…shoe sales.