Tag Archives: family

Mean Christians

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A couple of weeks ago, we were coming into the calm finish to our yoga class when a woman at the back burst into projectile sobbing.

Photo by kike vega on Unsplash

Near the front of the class, I made eye contact with Becky, the instructor, and we did the woman’s non-speaking language of “yes please go check on her.”

I didn’t know the woman, but found her doubled over on a bench outside, sobbing. I sat down next to her and rubbed her back. It wasn’t a time to talk, just to signal “you’re not alone and nothing is expected of you.”

The class ended a few minutes later, and another woman with a blond French braid emerged to sit on the crying lady’s other side. Over her back she said to me, “her son was on that plane.”

That plane being the one full of people from the skating community, which collided with a helicopter. Everyone aboard died.

The woman began to talk, sharing horrific details of the crash and how she was coping. We listened in sympathetic silence, shielding the crying woman from class participants and track walkers who were trying to gauge if they should help. Most kept going, which was a good thing.

The crying woman said suddenly, “And of course my faith sustains me. But at my church some people…” then she stopped talking again.

French braid lady patted her arm. “My brother committed suicide. And my church wasn’t particularly helpful. Some people just don’t know what to say.”

“But they say it anyway,” said the crying woman, and burst into fresh sobs.

I had nothing to contribute except to continue sitting there, shielding her from curious eyes. She said a few more things, then Becky came out and gave her a big hug. Told her she should come back to class anytime, and cry all she wanted, everyone was there for her, everyone understood.

French braid lady gave the other woman a final hug, and said, “Don’t listen to the mean people. They don’t understand and they don’t get to dictate how you feel.” Crying lady nodded, blew her nose, smiled at us both, and gathered her stuff.

I really don’t want to interpret this exchange. When did Christians become the mean ones to be avoided when in pain?

Don’t answer that. Thanks.

Aging Parents

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Sorry, everyone: my dad fell and broke the top vertebra in his neck. My sister and I spent some time at my parents’ house, figuring some things out. Or trying to.

The reason my dad is not paralyzed is arthritis. The vertebra snapped in two places, making a single piece surrounding his spinal cord and two side pieces–all held in place by the severe calcification of his bones due to advancing age.

My dad does not see this as lucky. He sees it as a minor inconvenience. My mom spends a lot of time trying to convince him he cannot mow the lawn. You should have seen the home health nurse’s face when he asked her the same question.

We like feisty old people on television. A certain amount of orneriness keeps the elders alive, makes life worth living for them, etc. But when someone who has spent his whole life being the decision maker is confronted with the fact that some decisions have been taken out of his hands because he is broken, he may not listen.

And family dynamics will rise to the surface, and that charming Golden Girls fighting spirit will turn into a family fight. Of course elders don’t want to leave their home. And if the home is safe, working hard to make sure they don’t is your best bet.

When the home is not safe, stubbornness becomes danger. It is a difficult transition for adult children to make; a geriatric physician friend says “it’s difficult raising parents.”

At some point the irony kicks. You find yourself saying “I have done the best I can for you and yet you continue to fight what is best for yourself by labeling it ‘you just don’t understand’.” And then you bust out laughing because you remember this conversation in reverse somewhere around your junior year of high school.

Humor might save your sanity, but it won’t save the situation. If a family has spent a lifetime building up a specific form of communication best labeled as ‘avoidance,’ that dynamic will continue into the final years. And perhaps make them the wee bit miserable.

So now you know.