Author Archives: wendywelch

An Offer Phil Can’t Refuse

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elderDear Punxsutawney Phil,

That does it. I am a fan of fuzzy animals with big brown eyes, but you’ve pushed my last button. Six more weeks of THIS???!!! No. Have you enjoyed living all-expenses paid in your government-protected burrow, buddy boy? Like those meals 364 days a year?

All we needed was one day, Chuckster. One lousy day when you cooperated with us, and you could’ve gone back to your peaceful existence on the state tab. Traitor. You think just because YOU have a fur coat, nothing else matters? Didja cut some deal with the marauding polar bears and their vortexes? Ha! We’re cold, ya little whistlepig weasel, and we’re tired of feeling that way.

And like those Celtic God-princes of old, Prince Phil, we’re tired of you. Yeah, they lived high on the (ground)hog most of their lives, but when the weather went South and the crops failed, you know what happened to them, doncha, Punxy? All those stone slabs lying around the peat bogs….*cue Godfather theme*

I understand there’s a lawyer in Ohio seeking the death penalty against you for “Weather Crimes.” In Wisconsin, a ranger took your forecasting cousin Jimmy into protective custody. And I see some enterprising young man has t-shirts for sale that say “Kill Phil.”Jimmy Me, I think it’s time to convert Punxsutawney to Mulligatawny, and start over next year:

1 whistle pig
2 onions, sliced
1/2 cup celery, sliced
Flour
Vinegar
Pepper Cloves

Clean woodchuck; remove glands; cut into serving pieces. Soak overnight in a solution of equal parts of water and vinegar with addition of one sliced onion and a little salt. Drain, wash, and wipe. Parboil 20 minutes, drain, and cover with fresh boiling water. Add one sliced onion, celery, a few cloves, and salt and pepper to taste. Cook until tender; thicken gravy with flour. (pitch.com)

Say good night, Groundhog.

Five Weird Things People Don’t Know About Me

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Someone said the other day, “Wendy, you should write a blog about you.” And I thought “Oooh, how much self-indulgent fun is that?!” So here, in no particular order, are five random facts about me.

jar1. I have an inordinate fondness for containers. Boxes, jars, bowls, the older and quirkier the better. I have my grandmother’s bread dough bowl and scoured junk stores until I found smaller ones to match. I keep some of my yarn in a World War II Red Cross locker. I can’t pass wicker baskets in a second-hand shop without buying one, some of them in unfortunate shapes like squirrels or bunnies. Don’t ask me why, but when you give me a present, I inevitably comment about how lovely the gift bag is. Like Eeyore, a Useful Pot for Putting Things In will keep me happy all day.

2. Arguments about Christianity and Paganism co-opting each others’ symbols make me impatient. They seem specious, when there are so many important things to discuss–like how to feed people or keep kids safe from predators, which Christians should REALLY worry about.

Redemption comes in many forms. So Easter was the Goddess of Spring who married her son and sacrificed him to rebirth the world? Yeah? Ecclesiastes says that God put eternity in human hearts, so we’d feel compelled to look for it. If before the foundation of the world several ways of seeing God reflected around us were in place, and the Fall in essence broke that mirror, then it stands to reason the beliefs that undergird our way of living would be fragmented, distorted, and points of conflict rather than gathering.

As a friend of mine used to say, “I believe in one God and don’t have all the details.” I’ll add believing in Jesus risen from the dead to give us access to living again, and that fussing over whether Easter’s son mirrors Him seems like a waste of time. The fact that He exists is pretty cool either way, yes? If the story was set up centuries ago in a legend, couldn’t that prove rather than question its veracity? Google “redemptive legends.” There’s a whole academic path on this concept.

3. I can hear a cat in any form of distress half a mile away, and find him or her. Cats know this, and take advantage of it by setting up homeless friends to cross my path at inopportune times. It’s not my fault.

4.  Creamy desserts. Preferably involving chocolate, but if it’s moist and has two or three colors in it, you should put the spoon down and back away.

5. Fire-building: I suck at it. Gasoline, Doritos, fire jelly, it doesn’t matter. I wind up with sooty hands and singed eyebrows above a cold hearth or fire pit. Jack London could never write a short story about me; it would be a non-starter.