Tag Archives: woodchucks

An Offer Phil Can’t Refuse

elderDear Punxsutawney Phil,

That does it. I am a fan of fuzzy animals with big brown eyes, but you’ve pushed my last button. Six more weeks of THIS???!!! No. Have you enjoyed living all-expenses paid in your government-protected burrow, buddy boy? Like those meals 364 days a year?

All we needed was one day, Chuckster. One lousy day when you cooperated with us, and you could’ve gone back to your peaceful existence on the state tab. Traitor. You think just because YOU have a fur coat, nothing else matters? Didja cut some deal with the marauding polar bears and their vortexes? Ha! We’re cold, ya little whistlepig weasel, and we’re tired of feeling that way.

And like those Celtic God-princes of old, Prince Phil, we’re tired of you. Yeah, they lived high on the (ground)hog most of their lives, but when the weather went South and the crops failed, you know what happened to them, doncha, Punxy? All those stone slabs lying around the peat bogs….*cue Godfather theme*

I understand there’s a lawyer in Ohio seeking the death penalty against you for “Weather Crimes.” In Wisconsin, a ranger took your forecasting cousin Jimmy into protective custody. And I see some enterprising young man has t-shirts for sale that say “Kill Phil.”Jimmy Me, I think it’s time to convert Punxsutawney to Mulligatawny, and start over next year:

1 whistle pig
2 onions, sliced
1/2 cup celery, sliced
Pepper Cloves

Clean woodchuck; remove glands; cut into serving pieces. Soak overnight in a solution of equal parts of water and vinegar with addition of one sliced onion and a little salt. Drain, wash, and wipe. Parboil 20 minutes, drain, and cover with fresh boiling water. Add one sliced onion, celery, a few cloves, and salt and pepper to taste. Cook until tender; thicken gravy with flour. (pitch.com)

Say good night, Groundhog.


Filed under animal rescue, blue funks, folklore and ethnography, humor, small town USA, Uncategorized, VA

Which came first: the Leibster Award or Megalomania?

I’ve been given The Liebster Award!  Thank you, RandomDorkness

The rules:

  • post 11 things about yourself
  • answer the 11 questions from the person who gave you the award
  • ask 11 questions
  • pass the award to 11 persons (go to their site and inform them, of course)
  • no tag backs

Wendy’s Answers to Questions from  randomdorkness

  1. Do you like hot wings? I think cinnamon is a hot spice. My husband, however, loves madras curries. We should never have married—which is a pity, because we like each other.
  2. Do you like vodka? I’m a red wine girl and my favorite is a Spanish Grenache called “Bitch.” Make of that what you will.
  3. What do you think about moonwalks? The kind that happen in space, or the kind that happen on the dance floor? Never mind; I get vertigo.
  4. What do you think about combining a moonwalk with hot wings and vodka? I think Mitt Romney/Barack Obama could do very well with this as a fundraiser.
  5. Who would clean up the mess? You mean, if Romney/Obama wins? Or the vertigo effluvium? No matter what, the mess will be cleaned up by a school teacher and a mom–or perhaps multiple school teachers and moms working in unison (that’s UNISON with an “s”).
  6. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? Two cords. I thought everybody knew that by now? And that there’s a rhyme for orange: door hinge. Also the weird math problem involving seven bridges has been solved.
  7. What if the woodchuck wouldn’t chuck wood, but he *would* chuck vodka? Then the mom and school teacher would need paper towels and soda water, plus white vinegar and washing-up liquid.
  8. Or hot wings? Ditto.
  9. Or both vodka and hot wings? Extra paper towels and rabies serum
  10. In a moonwalk? Paper towels, serum, and a lesson plan
  11. Who would clean up *that* mess? Look, we’ve already established that teachers and moms wipe the noses and bums of the whole world. That’s why moms and teachers get so much worldwide respect and appreciation, even more than the politicians who would just use the moonwalk as a photo op for themselves, probably next to a young, leggy teacher cuddling the woodchuck.

11 Things About Myself

  1. I am inordinately, socially unacceptably proud of publishing my first book with a big publishing house full of nice people (St. Martin’s Press). I’m no fun at parties anymore; it takes me ten seconds to finagle the conversation ‘round to bookstores and writers, and from there everyone edges away toward the vodka.
  1. My book is about me, my husband, and our starting a bookstore just as the economy tanked and e-readers appeared on the market. (Note how I put ME first even though that’s poor grammar? Symptom of megalomania. Because I’m really a much better writer than that. Oh, wait….)
  1. *Sob* I didn’t used to be a megalomaniac. Sure, I was the youngest child, so kinda got spoiled, but I let other people have attention sometimes. Really. The thing that happened at my cousin’s wedding, that was a long time ago. And the flower girl dress ITCHED.
  1. Of course, now that I am a full-blown megalomaniac, I fear this will turn people off to the lovely charm of my book, with its natural humor and graceful prose about small town foibles and follies.
  1. Does anyone know of pills, biofeedback, something to suppress megalomania? At least when I’m at public appearances?
  1. Did I mention my article in the Huffington Post last week about the importance of independent bookstores? I’m not posting the link because that would be self-aggrandizing. (But if you were to google Huffington Post, Wendy Welch, and independent bookstore, you could probably find it. Or visit my facebook author page. If you’re interested.)
  1. But I KNOW you’ll want to see the really cute videos about our bookshop! One is a spoof on 50 Shades of Grey, the other Jack-my-husband reading to the Needlework Night babes who come every Tuesday. They still like me, even though I’m a megalomaniac. Just search “Wendy Welch little bookstore” on youtube and they’ll pop right up! The “Shades of Grey” one will have at least a dozen hits by now. I’m very proud.
  1. Pride isn’t the same thing as megalomania, is it?
  1. Ummm…. It should be easy for a megalomaniac to post 11 things about herself …. Ummmm….. We foster kittens in our bookstore and have a great rate of getting them adopted to good homes and if there IS a cure for megalomania, it’s the hourly clean-up of kitten diarrhea since most fosters arrive sick. There’s something very grounding about kitty poo.
  1. Did I mention that I wrote a book?
  1. Or that I’m a terrible dancer?

Questions for you

  1.  So, do you like kittens?
  2. Do you like authors?
  3.  Have you ever wanted to deck an author with a swift stomach-punch?
  4. Have you ever decked an author with a swift stomach-punch or other method?
  5.   Will you be attending any of my readings?
  6. If you were going to make the world a better place, which would you hire as global leader: a teacher or a mom? (no fair combining!)
  7. Did you know that a woodchuck who chucks wood can chuck two cords? (I thought everybody knew that. I like Eleanor of Random Dorkness. I like the way she writes and her sense of humor and the way she talks about her family, so I don’t want to, you know, do her down in public for not knowing the two cords thing….)
  8. Do you think teachers and moms should be given free vodka and hot wings at an annual global appreciation day, or just cash?
  9. Have you ever moonwalked? Or read the Huffington Post?
  10. Are you going to look at the adorably charming youtube videos my husband and I made of our independent bookshop? (Oooooh, so close. Just shoot me.)
  11. Um, so, how do you feel about megalomaniacs?

Passing this award to:

http://www.7marathons7continents.com/ (Cami Ostman); www.readerscorneronline.com (Larry); http://www.ladolcevitagirl.com/ (Teri); http://nerkasalmon.wordpress.com/ (Tele); http://danielabram.wordpress.com (Daniel); http://www.jennsbookshelves.com/ (Jenn Lawrence); http://chicklitcentraltheblog.blogspot.com/ (Amy Bromberg); http://lostartsfound.wordpress.com/ (Jenny); http://thebookstorejunkie.com/; http://courtingmadness.wordpress.com/ (Coco); http://hikingphoto.com/ (Patrick)


Filed under Big Stone Gap, book reviews, folklore and ethnography, humor, small town USA, Uncategorized