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AUTHOR HUMILIATION CONTEST ANNOUNCEMENT

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embarrassedFor those who’d like to see them, last week’s EDIBLE BOOK CONTEST photos are here: Tales of the Lonesome Pine LLC

We are pre-empting the Monday Book (but I’ll run one Wednesday or Friday, depending on whether Jack gets me a  blog from his Scottish tour this week) to bring you

THE AUTHOR HUMILIATION CONTEST!

It all started when a fellow writer online described her recent arrival at a Very Large Bookstore in a Big City to tout her Very Good New Book. Karen Spears Zacharias had the following conversation:

Asst. Manager: I had no idea you had an event here today.
Me: Wow. Really? It was in the newspaper and on television. We’ve been corresponding about this for months.
Asst. Manager: My boss didn’t tell me.
Me: Embarrassed. Humiliated. Diminished.
Asst. Manager: Snotty. Bugged. Annoyed.
Me: This book is local. It won the Weatherford.
Asst. Manager: What’s the Weatherford?
Me: Best in Appalachian Fiction.
Asst. Manager: I’ve never heard of that.

Her post sparked a veritable wordslide of other authors describing similar incidents, and an idea was born.

My 500th blog post will be next Monday. In honor of this earth-shaking occasion, Karen and I are announcing a contest: send us, in 500 words or less, your author humiliation moments. Are you an Author who arrived on the wrong day? Walked in to find your event cancelled? Discovered they were expecting someone else? Tell us about it, or any other mortifying circumstance.

Or take it from the other end. Are you a library, book festival, individual, or bookstore that has hosted an event that just would not get on track no matter what? Or a first class A88-hole? (Y’all know what an a88hole is, right? Similar to an a**hole, only worse.)

Jack and I have looked at book signings, author visits, and all that glamorous stuff from both sides now: as the people with the book AND the people with the bookstore. We’ve seen a whole lotta love and silliness from each, so don’t hold back. Tell us your story.

First prize winner in the author category gets a 5-day stay in my writing retreat cabin, in eastern Tennessee. (Sorry, you have to pay your own way there, but the place is free and we’ll even throw in a bottle of wine. Buy your own milk.) You pick your dates.

First prize winner in the author hosting category gets a signed copy of every entering author’s book. That’s the fee for entering, folks. When the winning host is announced, you are REQUIRED to mail, at your expense, a free copy of your autographed book. (Winners may donate their books to another address if they prefer.)

Second prize for both categories is an autographed copy of Karen’s and my book; third prize… how about a free kitten?

We’ll run the first place entries next Monday. The top ten after that will get blogged once a week, probably on Saturdays. And the MONDAY BOOK will return after this coming Monday.

The rules:

Entries are due by Sunday, June 29, at 11:55 pm EST.

Send entries to jbeck69087@aol.com, with tagline specifying author or host humiliation entry.

Entries exceeding 500 words (not including title) will be disqualified.

Don’t use real names in identifiable locations. We haven’t got enough money to be worth suing, but a88s tend to do that when reality invades the self-sphere. “A Barnes and Noble somewhere in America….” is fine. Make it part of the creativity to keep the names fun and clean.

Keep all entries family friendly. Some kids read this blog.

This is cheerful therapy. Don’t just vent; entertain.

Have fun doing so.

greyAnd remember, it’s okay to talk about the embarrassing moments. Many authors have put themselves into utter self-humiliation, and gone on to live happy lives.

Saucy Waiters Spice up Supper Service

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carson

Jack’s weekly guest blog reaches us from the Old Country

One of the highlights of my year is the annual small group tour of Scotland I organize. This being an even-numbered year, we do the Highlands and Islands.

The tour started Sunday, and so far it’s been a delight: decent weather, good hotels and food and a delightful group of fellow travelers.

Not without its moments, of course. Our first evening in our Crianlarich hotel, we sat down to dinner and were approached by the ‘Maitre D’, whose lapel badge identified him as ‘Andy’. Launching in a plumby accent that would not have been out of place on Downton Abbey–or perhaps Fawlty Towers–he attempted to entice us away from our special group price dinner with pricey items on the regular menu. When that failed, he offered special deals on personal recommendations from the wine list (none of them particularly cheap).

Everyone’s got to make a living, but if the man had had an ‘Americans are rich–and cheap and easy’ sign above his forehead, he could not have been more obvious. As our meal continued he could be guaranteed to regularly interrupt our conversation as he got into the full flow of his ‘act’.

temp wendyFortunately, I’m traveling with a group of people whose senses of humor are as strong as their accents. And he’s made good fodder for follow-up impersonations as the week progresses. All someone has to do is say ‘May I recommend’ and the rest of the van passengers fall about laughing.temp wendy 2

I was reminded of an overnight Wendy and I spent at a Bed and Breakfast in a historic area which shall be nameless. At breakfast we were having an interesting conversation with our fellow guests when the lady in charge, having served the food, launched into an hour long presentation (clearly learned by heart) on the history of the town – in a way that would brook no interruptions from any of us. Glances were exchanged and diversionary gambits attempted, to no avail. Bless her heart! But it was interesting. And she wasn’t trying to sell us anything.

And then there was the first Scottish tour I put together. At breakfast in the Birnam Hotel, we were attended to by the indefatigable Margaret, who had served under a variety of owners over the years and thus was effectively in charge of meal-time discipline. When one of our party wwondered aloud if she could order a variation on one of the menu dishes,  our driver Colin opined “I’m sure that would be fine”. The hovering Margaret quickly put him right, saying, “I think that would be my decision!”

These are the unexpected things that, with hindsight, add a bit of spice and are remembered with a smile. I’m sure there are plenty more such moments ahead– bring them on!