Sarcastic Shelf Guides involving Sexual Innuendoes we Fantasize about putting up in the Bookshop

I’ve spent the past few days moving large masses of books around the shop, reshelving sections that have shrunk or expanded, making certain like sits with like. This has included creating new overhead hanging signs, showing what’s on the shelves below.

As happens about hour three of scrutinizing books title by title, carrying armloads back and forth across the shop floor, Jack and I got the wee bit silly. We began to create “totally honest shelf guides.” Here are a few you will never see in a bookstore. Not if it wants to stay in business, anyway.

Celebrity biographies

Biographies of people who have actually done something

Memoirs

Interesting Memoirs

Classics because the school system says so

Real Classics

Science Fiction

Science Fiction involving Science

Bikini Bimbo Science Fiction

Science Fiction with an Apocalyptic Christian Twist

Science Fiction with an Apocalyptic Amish Christian Twist

Cozy Mysteries: candles, soap, needlecraft

Cozy Mysteries: medieval

Cozy Mysteries: cookery

Cozy Mysteries: cats, dogs and other animals with big brown eyes

Cozy Mysteries: someone actually cares when murder occurs

Non-Cozy Mysteries: Native American

Non-Cozy Mysteries: Everything Else

Historic Fiction

Historic Fiction with at least 30% accuracy

Poetry

Poetry that Rhymes

Christian Values

Christian Values that are in the Bible

Modern Values packaged as Christian to sell Better

Paranormal Romances: Fleas and Fangs

Paranormal Romances: three or more pages occurring before coupling (Literary)

Cookbooks by celebrities and diet fad gurus

Cookbooks by people who know what they’re doing

Guys with Big Guns, Fiction and Non

Estrogen Express (Self-help, Career and Relationships)

Hippies, Retro

Hippies, New Age

Hippies, Green

Stephen King (Horror, but we’ve stopped bothering)

Bestsellers (please stack latest Cornwall, Evanovich, Grisham or Patterson here)

War (aka American History; please note Middle East and WWII are located here)

Tallulah’s Tail – er, Tale

Jack gets inside the head of foster-cat Tallulah –

Tallulah (for that had immediately become her name) arrived at the bookstore with her three kittens from the shelter for distressed pets. Hmmm, she thought as she spied the other animals – Zora the lab, Bert the terrier, Valkittie the elderly cat and Owen and Bob the black and white young cats. But a door closed and she settled down to motherly duties. Every morning the door would open and the humans brought her fresh food and water; every day passed with kitten feeding and cleaning. Eventually the kittens left one by one and she didn’t mind one bit – they had begun to steal her food before she could get to it.

After the last kitten left the humans began leaving her door open from time to time and she could explore the rest of the house. My goodness – so many books in the place!

IMG_3627Time to position herself in the hierarchy of animals. Flipping her long-haired tail like a feather boa, she set out. Valkittie proved impossible to dislodge from her overall managerial position but the other cats adjusted appropriately, which left the dogs. It was just about then that she felt a familiar urge. Bob and Owen seemed like nice boys – but strangely uninterested in her allure. Now Bert, the terrier – he’s a real man. Could he be the one?

Alas, no. It seems cross-breeding won’t work.

The cat-flap? Of course! A world of furry men await!

That’s how she met the muscular black tom from the gym next door, who worked out and thus could leap the yard fence in a single bound – ah, bliss. He said he’d stick by her and show her a good time. But, no – just like the other one, once she’d given her all, he doesn’t come round any more.

Then one of the humans put her in the box she’d arrived in all those weeks before and she went for a trip. Oh, so sleepy – then awake and back in the box again. Such a palaver and just a bit stiff and sore. And somehow… lighter.

Here I sit and wait!

Here I sit and wait!

So, here she sits and waits to see what will happen next. Maybe somewhere out there is someone with room in his/her heart and home for a beautiful young Tallulah who doesn’t get those urges any more, but just loves to get petted by any passing human. Tallulah makes an attractive desk accessory and elegantly enhances any room decor. All she wants is a human to call her own. Could it be you?