Things I Vow Never to do Again

Note to self:

Dear Self –

The next time you are asked to speak as the visiting author at Allandale Mansion in Kingsport (a historic home of castle-esque proportions now reserved for weddings and Junior League flower shows and the Kingsport Women’s Book Club to which I had been invited) do not wear Birkenstocks. Your long flowing skirt and flowered blazer were fine; retro is always somewhat charming in an author and you had the good sense to braid your hair so that it looked like you weren’t trying too hard. This worked in your favor amidst those lovely Spring Pastels and beautiful stylish bobs. But there are limits, and you should not try to find them. Next time, wear ballerina flats.

Dear Self II –

The next time that man who collects cans in the neighborhood asks if he can sit on your porch and drink a beer, say no. It is one thing to be nice to someone life has clearly run over; it is another to watch him spend the next fifteen minutes drinking from a can the size of Texas, spitting over your porch rail, and panhandling customers going out the door. Learn to say no, dear; it is a life skill you must acquire now that you are in your forties.

Dear Self III –

The next time you demand your husband fix something and he heads off with duck tape in hand, follow him. That way you will learn just how he intends for those el cheapo fly screens to last the summer, or the water hose on the washing machine not to flood the garage. And you can save time, and possibly your marriage, by not having to cope with a sudden new water feature in the garage. The sound of water splashing over rocks is lovely–outside. Indoors on concrete, not so much.

Thank you, self.

Best wishes,


9 thoughts on “Things I Vow Never to do Again

  1. Sssssoooo sooorrry but I am literally laughing out loud here! This is a gem of a post!! I lived in Birkies until I could no longer find anyone who would/could re-sole them. Now flip flops will have to do. But then again, I have not been invited to speak at a posh book club. Haha!

  2. Regarding getting your Birkenstocks re-soled. I can find nice mom and pop shoe repairs aplenty in the Twin Cities but sadly, it is pretty expensive.Not sure why it bothers me at that point when I paid a lot and then got tons of wear out of them…..

  3. The whole outfit with braids sound “well-put-together artsy” to me. And I thought book writing was artsy. Was just wondering if there was a complaint.

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